My Thoughts On The "R Word"

First off, it is uncharted territory for me that suddenly I have been thrust into a sub-culture to which a “bad” or derogatory word has been assigned.  I fully realize that the reason this is strange to me is because I am a 31 year old, middle-class, white, American, brunette female.  I’ve never had to deal with the atrocity that is racism, I have not ever felt the judgmental sting of sexism, I don’t recall ever being on the receiving end of any kind of negative slur…it is completely foreign to me that I now have to contemplate my views on the “R word”.

For those of you who are fortunate to have no idea what word I am referring to, I’m talking about the word “retarded”.  Before I go any further, I want to forewarn you that my view on the use of this word may differ from someone else’s view who is in my same boat; but I have pondered this subject quite a bit and feel that it is appropriate for me to delicately discuss this somewhat volatile subject with the end goal of creating a more loving and compassionate world.

Let’s begin with the origin of this word and track it’s revolution in our lexicon.  I did a little looking around online to see what I could find on the origin of this word, and found a blog here that had some really great information if you are interested. Basically, as is the case with most words that our vernacular deems inappropriate or foul, the word was first used as a verb to communicate the slowing of an action:  Construction progress on the Hightower building has been retarded, or Retard your descent as you reach the desired depth, or The retarding of the grocery line while shopping with two preschoolers was causing a dip in her sanity. It was no more derogatory than any other verb that means “to slow”; decelerate, brake, reduce, slacken, etc.  Later the word was used medically in conjunction with the word “mental”  to describe brain function that was slower than average.  It was not terribly long after the medical  use of the word became commonplace that lay people began to use the word “retarded” as an adjective to describe the outward appearance and attributes of the mentally delayed community. Then it was just a little while longer until people began to use the word as a noun, or a label, to place upon those who are mentally delayed or to compare a normal person to the mentally handicapped in order to insult them. Use of the word in this way became heavy and prevalent for quite a while, and still is.  Taking the revolution even further, the word “retarded” has now taken on a lighter tone and is thrown about in everyday conversation by the average person as a synonym for obnoxious, ridiculous or adverse; This homework assignment is retarded, or I was walking around looking retarded with my dress tucked into my pantyhose or It is retarded how many loads of laundry I still have to fold.

The mentally delayed community, their family members and supporters have taken a strong stance against the flippant use of this word because they feel that it demeans those who medically fall into the “mentally retarded” category.  There is a national campaign called “Spread the Word to End the Word” designed to raise awareness and stop the misuse of this word. Numerous celebrities, including Lauren Potter (actress on Glee who has Down Syndrome) and John C. McGinley (actor most well-known for his character on Scrubs who has a son with Down Syndrome), have voiced their public support for this campaign and what it stands for.

Lauren Potter of Glee

John C. McGinley and his son

Naturally, one would assume that I would publicly march around flying the “No R-word” flag while campaigning for a more verbally safe world for Rachel to grow up in; and there is a portion of me that feels this way, in large part due to the fact that I have the right to feel this way.  Do I want either of my children to be taunted with any word that the offender is using to specifically hurt their feelings?  Absolutely not!  That is a really great way for the world to see the ferocious, mama bear component of my personality rise to the surface in a heartbeat.  So, I will say that if I were to hear someone use the word “retarded” in a negative way to insult Rachel--or anyone for that matter—I would be terribly upset, hurt and would probably have to be held back from unleashing a barrage of loud verbal discipline upon the perpetrator.  Bullying and purposeful insult, with this or any other word, are unacceptable. Period. 

However, when it comes to the off-hand use of this word, I recognize that our language is a fluid body of ever-changing vernacular in which word meanings can morph drastically at the drop of the hat.  The first time that I heard someone say that they “burned” a CD I wondered inwardly what was so exciting about setting a CD on fire.  When I was in high school if I had overheard someone say that a classmate had been "tweeting" I probably would have thought that they had literally been doing bird-calls.  80 years ago, if I were to hear someone say that a rule was dumb I would have wondered how that rule could possibly have lost the ability to speak.  When I hear someone toss “retarded” into an everyday conversation, I am not offended.  I do not immediately think, “Hey!  Don’t demean my little girl by using a word that could technically label her mental capability to describe something you dislike!!”  It would be reasonable for me to think that, but I don’t.  I usually do not even notice when the word is used, except when the speaker suddenly remembers that I have a child with Down Syndrome and gets the deer-in-the-headlights look as they worry that I’m going to flip out.  I know that the person speaking to me is not intentionally trying to offend me or my family, they are simply using the given central California coast dialect of 2012.  If I were the only person on the planet with a loved one that has developmental delays, the use of the R-word would not be a big issue.

But I am not the only one.  As a member of this beautiful community of people who love, accept and support people of every disability and delay, I wholeheartedly support their feelings on the thoughtless use of this word.  Just because it does not personally offend me when I hear it doesn’t mean that it won’t send another mother of a child with Down Syndrome into a cloud of tears as she fears the way the world will see her child.  Or that an individual with Down Syndrome or other diagnosis will not feel marginalized and discounted in value when they hear others use it dismissively as just another negative descriptor.  It is vitally important to our unity as humans on this earth that we take into account the feelings of others, and adjust our actions accordingly.  The ability to look outside your personal box of values and respect what is important to someone else is a gesture of healing and peace to mankind.

So, I guess this is my point: let’s work together to show our support for people of all walks of life by choosing our words wisely and thoughtfully.  Believe me, I am just as guilty as the next person of peppering my daily language with “joking” words that could potentially be hurtful, so I am calling myself to action as well. Whether it’s “retarded” that slips into your daily conversations, or “gay” or “stupid” or “blonde”, take a moment to think about the word's possible impact on the person you say it to.  Sure, it may not offend them—but it’s equally as possible that it will, and that is reason enough to not say it.  We are here on this earth to be mirrors of God’s love to others; join me in taking this verbal step toward shining up our mirrors.